Now

Been feeling soooooo crappy. Tired and sick.

Need to break this cycle and feel better.

Skip To First Grade

I didn't make the cut off for getting into the public school in my neighborhood for kindergarten. So I went to a private school and tested in. Everyone in my grade had already made their friends and had cliques. It was weird and hard to make friends, even as a kid I had social problems. And I was SO nervous! Back then, and sometimes today the nervous feeling take on pain in certain private areas. I don't know why but when I get nervous it hurts down there.

My first grade teacher was a proper English women. On the first or second day of class I went up to her and told her my _________ hurt. She was pretty shocked by that. Can't remember if she sent me to the nurse, but I remember her expression.

I guess I was also an awkward little girl.

Does Everything Happen For A Reason?

Back years ago, around 6 to be exact, I passed on an opportunity to be with someone. Now I am regretting it. Actually, I have for 6 years. It probably wouldn't have worked out with that person and I would never be where I am today if I had decided to be with them (instead I told them to call another girl-who ruined his life). People always say "no regrets" but I feel bad about this one.

He eventually had a child with the life ruining girl. His son is now the joy of his life. Still, I wish I hadn't said no. I really wish I didn't.

Hanging on to this is no good but even writing this now won't make it go away.

The First

Jessica and I were pretending in the play kitchen in our pre-school classroom. I put a cup in the sink. It was woven with some kind of rope and had green stripes. My plan was to wash it but when I turned my back she took it away. I got so angry I bit her. The next thing I remember is sitting cross-legged on a carpet with Jessica and our pre-school teacher in between us. Our teacher had long blonde hair. She talked me how it was not okay to bite other people.

I found out that I did have a biting problem and was almost expelled from preschool because of it. Apparently I bit all the children I played with and would never listen to my mother when she told me to stop. I had to sit in "time out" with another parent because I refused to listen to her.

I was an angry child.

Beginnings

I started this blog to document something. I felt lost and I thought that it would be interesting to write about the journey of finding my way. Get the demons out and get myself back on a path going that is going somewhere. Right now it feels like I'm stuck in a vortex, not moving and spinning around in the same mess I have always been. I need to get out. I need to clear my head.

My memory is pretty bad. I am positive it's because of damage to my brain from years of medication and a few months of ECT treatments when my brain was not fully developed. No one really believes me that my brain damaged even though I can't recall 3 entire years of my life and a lot of everything else. Still, certain events have stuck, mostly ones I don't want to remember.

I am going to anyway, and go through years of my notebooks, journals and writings-painful as they may be-if I can get them out, maybe I can move on.

Once Upon a Time...

There was a little girl. Then she grew up. Now she is lost.